Wifey and Baby Mama

Shun (00:36.732)
Hey, I'm Shun.

Shannon (00:37.922)
Hi, and I'm Shannon.

Shun (01:11.854)
And we're the host of Wifey and Baby Mama. Happy Thursday, family, and happy Thursday, Shannon.

Shannon (01:17.858)
Happy Thursday, Shun.

Shun (01:21.074)
Welcome to episode 12 of season 5. We realize you could be anywhere else, yet you are tuned in to another Thursday with your two hostess with the mostest and we sincerely thank you guys for your faithfulness.

Shannon (01:34.22)
Yes, thank you all.

Shun (01:37.1)
And I know we have spoiled you guys endsly this Season with guests we had them poured in but unfortunately tonight is just shannon and I but sometimes we like you to ourselves So I hope that's I hope you feel that way too. So it'll just be shannon and I tonight So don't want to get you all hyped up. me let you know in the beginning There will be no third voice tonight But hopefully our two voices will bring you some reason and some clarity on a very important topic You ready, baby mama?

Shannon (01:47.064)
Hmm hmm hmm hmm.

Shannon (02:03.638)
Let's do it.

Shun (02:05.894)
All right, tonight's episode is titled hurting while holding on and I'm sure more people are going to be able to relate to this than we like and that's why we chose this topic because these kind of things are often ignored or swept under the rug, you know, when people they steady get emotionally drug down or all in too deep or trapped off and they just eventually they just stay so and sometimes it's longer than they should or sometimes, you know, maybe they don't know how or when to let go Shannon. So it is our

prayer that is something we say or share tonight, you know might be able to guide you, especially those of you who choose to stay in relationships, even when it hurts and Shannon, I should say us instead of those those of us because unfortunately, you know, I've learned until I learned who I was. I was sometimes, you know, holding on to relationships with both hands girl as I bled and I know so many women close to me that did the same thing because we love so hard.

Shannon (02:46.147)
Yeah.

Shun (03:05.414)
that we ignore the open wounds.

Shannon (03:08.76)
Hmm. Yeah. I wish I could relate. mean, as we've talked about so many times, you know, since we started this podcast, you know, I had a, I had so much trouble with committing and, you know, I was never, you could never call me that ride or die or, you know, that chick that was just gonna do whatever. think now in my marriage, yeah, I think I've, I've seen how

Shun (03:12.395)
you

Shannon (03:38.702)
somewhat, not to the fullest extent, but somewhat how, you know, women who are truly in there in the trenches or, you know, really wanting to be there for their partner and do all these things, even when there are things that go awry, because this is marriage, this is totally different. So things that would have sent me running for the hills, you know, in a boyfriend-girlfriend situation, in a marriage situation,

is different and so I want to work on things. want therapy, want counseling, I want all these things to make stuff work because I'm in a marriage. But before that, you know, I could give two flying flips. I definitely was not a wider day.

Shun (04:23.13)
And you know, that's Well, and I don't know if that term even should apply when dating, but that's a very important fact when dating, you know that it's a important phase because that's where you learn who you are. That's how you learn who the person you're going to maybe eventually spend the rest of your life with is. But you know, it's a little different because you you can opt out of that. You can ghost the ninja with no explanation, you know, but when you're married, just walking out is not an option, just like you said. But however.

Shannon (04:30.404)
yeah, yeah.

Shannon (04:45.612)
Right.

Shun (04:52.912)
Being hurt, know, misguided or emotionally starved is painful no matter if it's in a marriage or dating situation. So what do you do? You know, what do you do when your marriage isn't a flex? You know, it's not the flex everyone think it is all the time, you know, or what some people may portray it to be is perfection. So first you access the problem, then you discuss it, then you decide if you are going to work or walk.

Shannon (04:59.683)
yeah, that's true.

Shannon (05:04.472)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Shannon (05:16.898)
Mm-hmm.

Shun (05:19.792)
That's what I had to bring myself to, because I unfortunately had been in that situation more than one time, being a ride or die when I had no business being in the car at all. You understand what I'm saying? So I had to decide, yeah, if I wanted to work on this thing, or if it was worth the work, or do you just simply walk away? And for the most part, the older me would have told the younger me.

Shannon (05:20.247)
Shannon (05:31.374)
Yeah, that's deep.

Shannon (05:41.858)
Right.

Shun (05:44.892)
to away every single time when it wasn't a ring involved or children, you know? And I hope, you know, you all know by now that we are not a fan of divorce here on this podcast. You know, it is such an ugly thing. So if your, if your issues are fixable, if it's not beating or infidelity like we see all the time, we encourage you to do so. But both parties have to be willing to do the work. And the partner serving that pain has to be willing to listen, Shannon, and change.

Shannon (05:49.816)
Mm-hmm.

Shannon (05:58.765)
Mm-hmm.

Shannon (06:09.399)
Right.

Shun (06:14.768)
Because change can only be achieved if there's change. I'll say that again. Change can only be achieved if there's change. And I hope everyone caught that. Nothing changes by staying the same.

Shannon (06:14.797)
Right.

Shannon (06:19.213)
Mm-hmm.

Shannon (06:23.95)
Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And even when there are situations, I look at, you know, my, I guess my father, my stepmother, or other relationships where there was some, you know, infidelity and they still, they stuck through it. have aunt and uncle, I'm sorry.

Shun (06:47.762)
Mm-hmm.

Shannon (06:53.548)
that went through a lot of it too. And their marriage survived. And you look at a lot of people when they say they've been married 50 years, they've gone through stuff. And a lot of times that is infidelity. And we had, what was our episode of you? Yeah.

Shun (07:04.528)
Yeah.

Shun (07:09.906)
Shiloh Shiloh talked about it sometimes, you know, I'm emotionally unavailable infidelity is not the worst thing that can happen in a marriage That was Shiloh last week on the episode soul choices. Yeah infidelity is definitely not the worst thing that can happen in a relationship It's bad, but it's not the worst thing sometimes

Shannon (07:15.598)
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Right. Right.

Shannon (07:23.884)
Yeah, it is. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And whether you walk away, like we talked about a few weeks ago too, or you stick in, you know, what are you doing it for? But if it's a habitual thing, if it's something that, you know, this person is just gonna keep doing what they do, regardless that you're their wife, regardless that...

Shun (07:40.914)
Mm-hmm.

Shannon (07:50.912)
regardless of the fact that there's that ring on your finger and his finger, he's going to keep doing what he does. How long do you hold on? You know, when do you decide enough is enough? That's the individual. Yeah, go ahead.

Shun (08:05.33)
Well, yeah, and no, I was in the worst case I've found is that, like you said, unfortunately, that hurting while holding on usually comes from that partner, that most intimate person, that person that should protect you, you know? They tend to hurt the person closest to them a lot of times, But one or two reasons that when it applies to myself and people that I know in those situations.

Shannon (08:21.432)
Mm.

Shun (08:32.05)
Sometimes they want to see how long that person will stay because they don't have the heart to end it, you know themselves or sometimes they simply just refuse to say it's over, you know, for whatever reason and Sometimes they really don't want you to go at all They just fail to see the magnitude of the pain that they are causing you So first, I think it's important to know what caliber of a person you're dealing with and don't miss me

Shannon (08:38.798)
Yeah.

Shannon (08:45.378)
Mm-hmm.

Shun (08:59.524)
It's never okay to hurt someone or inflict another person pain on another person whether it's intentional or unintentional. I'm not saying that but if you really don't know what you're doing because women or men always accepted you the way you are, you know, if you really don't know that's where communication comes key, which is something else we discussed last week in our episode with Shiloh. Don't suffer in silence because you don't want to offend that person or partner.

Shannon (09:19.937)
Mm-hmm.

Shun (09:26.606)
Or risk it being over because you address those hard conversations. No, it needs to be talked about because again, sometimes people may not realize the magnitude of pain they're causing you because people have always accepted it and I'm going to just be forthcoming here. I'm just going to be transparent because that's who I am. And you said, Shannon, how long do you stay or if you ever walk away or is it a time you should walk away? I'm going to say that if in my opinion,

Shannon (09:40.289)
Right.

Shun (09:56.912)
The things I went through with my husband the second time, if I was wiser, if I knew what I know now, but we've learned together. So I guess I'm dealing with a double edged sword here. We've learned what we've learned together, right? Because what he has done to women, he's done his whole life. And it was always acceptable unless the woman walked away, you know? And in your case, let's even say,

Shannon (10:10.606)
Mmm.

Shannon (10:23.926)
Mm-hmm.

Shun (10:26.852)
my husband with you. You guys walked away. It is what it is. We were two people that really didn't want to be together, right? That I think was the case from I sat down and had like intimate conversation with all of his exes. No one as close as you and I, of course, you know that, but it's been a few that I'm okay with because I told you I'm not that girl. Whatever you did in your past is your past. So if you have family ties and y'all cool and I don't have beef with you, it's no reason we can't sit down at a funeral, family reunion.

Shun (11:00.154)
It's no reason that we can't sit down, you know, with exes and say, Hey, you know, what's up, girl? How you doing? You know, whatever. But for the most part, I found that they were like, I just could not take it. I really couldn't take it. Like he was a lot. Right. So had I listened, Shannon, I'm going to tell you, I probably could have saved myself a little heartache and not by not dealing with him, not by not being married to him, because I absolutely think this is our divine assignment. He and I, as husband and wife.

Shannon (11:05.656)
Mm-hmm. Right.

Shun (11:30.096)
What I could have done a long time ago was back off and let God do the work on him because I fought so hard to try and change him and I was losing me in the process. I was bringing myself that kind of pain. And every time though, I did say, you know what? I've had enough. Okay. We tried it. I'm gone. He come back. No, listen, this is not what I want to do. Can you help me? Can you tell me what we need to do? You want to go to council and let's go. The thing about it, he was willing to make the changes.

Shannon (11:34.862)
gotcha.

Shannon (11:41.678)
Wow.

Shannon (11:59.042)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Shun (11:59.118)
once I brought it to his attention. But I think had I let him do it on his own before I re-entered this covenant, put this ring back on, I think we could have had a much easier marriage. I'm just gonna be honest. But again, I was willing to hurt while holding on because I knew that he was the only person that I wanted. knew that God, I knew he was a divine assignment for me. I did not realize that until it was too late.

Shannon (12:12.109)
Yeah.

Shannon (12:25.016)
Mm-hmm.

Shun (12:27.218)
Because once you're in this thing, Shannon, unless it's infidelity or beating or emotional abandonment, you can't just leave. So once you, that's why we tell you don't enter the institution of marriage lightly. Shiloh said that again last week. We will, it's some things you will hear us say over and over again because you don't understand how important it is. So I hurt for a long time, Shannon, when I did not have to, had I just let God do the work in the first place.

Shannon (12:28.183)
Yeah.

Shannon (12:33.187)
Mm-hmm. Right.

Shannon (12:39.266)
You don't. Yeah.

Shannon (12:46.871)
Right.

Shannon (12:53.166)
And I kind of wish, you know, we could have, you know, our husbands on here because I know if my husband was on here, he would have his own take of how I've heard him. And I take full accountability for who I am because I can be, you know, meek, mild or whatever. But I'm also.

Shun (13:11.367)
Okay.

Shannon (13:20.034)
You talk about your tongue. We both have tongues, but our tongues are different. I'm admitting it to the world. I can be very condescending. And I kick myself a lot for talking down to him. I kick myself for sometimes just not respecting.

you know him for who he is as the husband and the head of the house. I'm saying this to everybody out there you know

so that I can hold myself accountable for things that I've done to hurt him and things that have come out of my mouth. So he is hurt while holding on. And if he was on here, he would say, know, Shannon's mean, she's a mean girl. He's, he always calls me mean. You are so mean. You're such a mean girl. And I wish you wouldn't be so mean. And what he means by that is the way I talk to him. And, you know, so I've had to deal with a lot of that in counseling and have,

you know, counselors and therapists, you know, call me on the carpet for, you know, what comes out of my mouth. And so it can go both ways, I guess, is my point for bringing it up. I don't want people to think that we're just one sided. me and Shun, we're perfect. We're good. And then men, they're hurting us. But we can hurt them a lot too.

Shun (15:07.14)
And I'm so happy that again that you share that because nothing we do here is one sided. We are just we just happen to be two females. So we again can only give you our female point of view and trust again. Shannon and I had this conversation this week when we were speaking of booking a guest. We would love to have a male talk about this side of it. But again, they don't even want to open up to their own wives and girlfriends or significant others. So they're definitely not coming on here to open up to the world.

Shannon (15:12.332)
Yeah.

Shun (15:33.5)
but it's not like we don't offer, know, it's not a male bashing show. We welcome men to come on because again, we are not inside of your heads. We don't have the same hormones. We don't have the same dynamic makeup. We can only tell you what we've dealt with. And here I am dealing with from my side and Shannon again, I'm happy that you said that we're not innocent. My mouth is very detrimental. my God, my mouth is detrimental. But it's usually in response, and not a defense, just a fact. It's in response to something.

Shannon (15:33.774)
All

Shannon (15:41.742)
Okay.

Shannon (15:53.026)
Right, we're not.

Shun (16:03.077)
Someone's done to me or he's done to me or he've allowed, you know a situation to fall out, you know I'm sorry or to to play out and I didn't like the way it was handled and you know and I come home and I blessed him and I give him the business and in return it it causes him to you know, it wasn't my fault but again Men, I will always say to you. It is your job to protect that woman and vice versa But men are they're the protectors, you know, our job is to love to nurture

Shannon (16:28.6)
Yeah.

Shun (16:32.634)
Your job fellas is to protect and to provide. And when those lines are muddy, sometimes things get ugly. So it's, it's, it's, it's, it's an indisputable fact that communication has to be at the top three when it comes to marriage and relationships. So again, I've heard a lot and not just with my husband, but again, the reason I could go in so much with him is the rest of the machine. I just walked away. I stayed for a little while and I'm like, wait a minute, what am I doing? I'm out.

Shannon (16:34.808)
Yeah, yeah.

Shannon (16:48.547)
Right.

Shun (17:00.786)
Because like I said, I realize you shouldn't even been in this thing. What are we doing here? But again, we have children and housing, property and cars and health insurance, insurance. It's just not so easy to walk away. So you spend the time, you spend the time Shannon to fix it. But let me tell you, in my opinion, Shannon, the only time that I would probably give up is when it costs me money.

Shannon (17:04.872)
Right.

Shannon (17:13.937)
It isn't and...

Shannon (17:18.921)
Mm-hmm.

Shun (17:29.202)
I have vowed that that will never happen again And I don't care if it's a ring. I don't care if it's kids the dogs or the cats Nothing else will ever cost me me So as long as my husband and I can keep that line and that boy, you know that boundary clear Then we're probably good forever But it never can get to the point where it cost me me again Because it has several

Shannon (17:31.755)
Okay.

Shannon (17:36.642)
Mm-hmm.

Shannon (17:45.538)
Yeah.

Shannon (17:51.64)
So yeah, so what do you think about the people that stay together? And I know we've talked about or touched on this before that stay together and they live as roommates simply for the kids sake. I mean, from the outside looking in, they look like the perfect couple, but they're on the inside of their home. They're not a couple. They're just there because they have children and they don't want their children to come from a broken home.

Shun (18:09.554)
Mm-hmm.

Shannon (18:20.728)
So from the kids perspective, I'm not talking about the families that have all kinds of fights and the kids are suffering because they're seeing all this chaos, but the parents, both parents are sacrificing their own happiness. He's not moving on with anybody else. She's not moving on with anybody else. They're just in a platonic type relationship simply because they don't want their kids to have a broken home. What are your thoughts on that?

Shun (18:49.138)
Well, yeah, we've discussed that. It was actually a male guest, remember, that we had up down. So I guess I would still have the same opinion. If they're both.

Shannon (18:59.682)
Well, up down, were they were separated, right? They were dating other people. I'm talking about where they continue to stay married, meaning they're not seeing anybody else from the outside looking in. We wouldn't even know if there's anything going on.

Shun (19:03.804)
Yeah, they were separated. Mm-hmm.

Shun (19:15.75)
Well, to me, I think the reason I confused it to is because I think I gave the answer that I'll give now is if it was agreement that he and I made for my children, I would absolutely do it. So I guess when you said, I guess you're asking that to count on when I said I will never, it will never cost me me again. But that wouldn't, that's not, when that said cost me me, that's not what I would actually, I wouldn't relate that to that because that's a choice I'm making for my children, for my kids. Cost me me mean.

Shannon (19:26.729)
Okay, okay.

Shannon (19:32.79)
Yeah.

Shannon (19:39.126)
Okay. Okay.

Shun (19:45.038)
I have stayed in situation Shannon because I cared what people would think. I was nervous about looking like a failure. I was nervous about being a divorcee again. And it's like, I'm literally suffering because I don't want people to be like, man, she messed this up again. know, I don't care anymore. Like I am who I am. I'm not a perfect person, but I have walked into who I should be and I'm good to people and I have a good heart. My, my, like I said, my lines are clear.

Shannon (19:49.164)
Yeah.

Okay.

Shannon (20:03.37)
Okay, gotcha.

Shannon (20:09.673)
Mm-hmm.

Shun (20:14.204)
So I will never let anyone guilt me again into staying somewhere that I am not happy. And don't get me wrong, happy is a state of mind. Everyday grilling, pizzas and cream. We got to that in the beginning, very first beginning of this podcast, season one or two. But happy meaning a person is constantly dishing me out pain. And I'm taking it simply because I wanna say I have a husband. The devil is alive. Like I will never find myself in that situation again. But for my kids, I absolutely would do it if it was a platonic mutual.

Shannon (20:21.555)
yeah, that's right. Yep.

Shannon (20:37.037)
right.

Shun (20:43.93)
agreement between he and I and he was holding his end of the deal and I was holding mine. I would absolutely do that.

Shannon (20:49.806)
Okay, yeah.

Shun (20:58.02)
Yeah, we talk about that. People make these agreements and then they fall back on them. know, somebody catches feelings or they continue. Well, I know we said we wasn't, but you want to try again? You want to try again? And that just, it's so ugly. So I don't know if that's always a good scenario, but I would definitely be willing to try it for my children if it ever came to that.

Shannon (21:04.866)
They break them. yeah.

Shannon (21:11.852)
Mm-hmm.

Shannon (21:20.46)
Right, okay.

Shun (21:22.354)
But I'm gonna tell you right now that would have to be another marriage in lifetime because this husband ain't going for that. When he's done, he's done. Oh, I'm telling you that I will be willing to, but no, he ain't going for that. I can say that right now, but I'm saying from my side of it, which is why, again, I wish they would come on. I wish the husbands would come on sometimes. It would be great to do this as a four band, you know, team, and we can, you know, let it all hang out. But yeah, men are not, they're not inclined to do that. And one husband says, y'all, just so y'all know, we tried it.

Shannon (21:26.414)
.

Shannon (21:30.968)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Shannon (21:39.118)
I know, I really do. We did a lot.

Yeah.

Shun (21:51.346)
The one husband said, I'll do it they do it. They like little kids. I'll do it if he do it. And the one dude, one was like, no, I ain't doing it. So I guess that's over with. But you know what? Just like the male guest, Shanna, we've been getting a lot more lately than our first couple of seasons. We're going to keep trying, girl. We're going to keep working on them. We're going to keep working on them. But for now, it's a hard no, OK? It was a hard no for one, and I'll do it if he do it for the other one. So y'all, we stuck at a standstill with that.

Shannon (21:51.64)
Yeah. Yeah.

Shannon (22:05.87)
Right, right. We are. We are.

Shun (22:20.71)
But anyway, Shannon, before we jump to the next segment, I just want to say that to anyone out there in this situation, you know, my wrap up is going to be real short tonight. So I'm going to say this before I wrap up to anyone in this situation. Please don't hurt and hold on to someone else to heal their wounds while you bleed out. Always consider yourself. You can't help anyone else unless you're whole.

And we say that often so please don't spend your time holding a bandage on someone else's wound and you bleed out Everyone has grown all these relationships Shannon or by choice marriage Divorce the kids. It doesn't matter. You have to take care of you and I'm not doing that I'm not telling you want to be cool. I'm not telling you not to fight I'm not telling you not to stay because Lord knows I hear me sell the time I fight for my life here every day but

Shannon (23:18.318)
Mm-hmm.

Shun (23:20.516)
If I had a choice, Shannon, I would have did it totally different. I would not have went through all the pain that I did to save my marriage. I'd have lied God to do that work.

Shannon (23:30.36)
What?

Awesome.

Shun (23:33.404)
So, do you have anything else, honey, you wanna add before I wrap up?

Shannon (23:38.648)
Nope, nothing else.

Shun (23:42.35)
All right. Well, just like I just told y'all tonight's wrap-up is short and sweet When it comes to the topic hurting while holding on if you choose to stay in the ring Be sure as someone at least on the other side at least they'll be willing to hold the umbrella over you while you fight together

Shannon (24:03.752)
Love that. Beautiful. Thank you, Shun. All right, here we go to the sound off.

Shun (24:13.628)
So we've come to the Sound Off segment of tonight's episode. This is where we announce a song related to the topic of the night while also hoping to add to your musical playlist. We use songs from all categories and genres and tonight's song is by the one and only Fantasia, titled Free Yourself. So log off, add over and listen to that video because I don't even think Fantasia made a song I didn't like, but this happens to be one of my favorites.

Stotion if they want to free themselves or they want to send in a song that might be somebody else working. They send it to

Shannon (24:46.446)
Yes, we welcome your comments, your feedback, anything that you want to get off your chest, please send it to wifeyandbabymama.com. That is wifeyandbabymama.com. I'm sure I'm going to get a little bit of feedback just because I'm.

Talk down to my husband sometimes and I'm telling you all I'm working on it. I promise you, I've gotten way better in the almost eight years that we've been together. He could tell you, he could attest. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Shun (25:20.722)
You're up.

Shun (25:25.658)
Nobody's perfect. Nobody's perfect. That's why we're here. I mean, if we were perfect, why would we be on here? And I'm happy that you gave a side of it because I don't want people to think, like you said, that we're male bashing. My mouth is crazy too. we're, you know, that's something that we work on, but guess what? Our husbands are still with us. So they, you know, they're giving us a little grace. Everyone is entitled to a measure of grace. So girl, you get yours as long as you, what did I, you know, that's what we just said. As long as you're willing to change.

Shannon (25:36.979)
Yeah, we're not.

Shannon (25:45.25)
See you.

Shannon (25:49.165)
Yeah.

Shannon (25:54.56)
That's right. And like I said, we welcome your feedback. can take the blows. We're two strong Black women as we have on our website. So we welcome it. All right. And that is our show for tonight. We thank you so much for joining us. And until next week.

Shun (26:07.795)
it.

Absolutely.

Shun (26:22.118)
We love you all, bye.